


the four times riley bit her tongue and the one time she didn't

by bcrtiebctts



Series: in this universe, you don’t love me [1]
Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: 4 + 1, Angst, Coming Out, F/F, F/M, LGBT+, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Sad Ending, Unrequited Love, bisexual!riley, light fluff, sad rilaya
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-11-08
Packaged: 2018-12-09 15:10:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11671599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bcrtiebctts/pseuds/bcrtiebctts
Summary: it shouldn't hurt seeing your best friend kissing someone you see as a brother. you're best friends, you should be happy for her.or in which there are four times where riley bites her tongue and puts maya's feelings first, and the one time she allows herself to be selfish





	1. it isn't going away

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

> _the four times riley bit her tongue and the one time she didn't_

 

 

 _ **1.**_  The five of them sat in silence, gathered around the blazing campfire. Texas wasn't going as well as Riley had hoped, sure Lucas had survived the Tombstone situation, but Maya was awfully quiet ever since. She wasn't talking to Lucas at all, and she didn't really talk to Riley much either. Maya's silence was a very painful thing, she knew how to make people feel like shit without even talking. 

 

However, the silence was a good thing, it gave Riley more time to sneak a couple of loving glances at her best friend, who was sitting in the middle of Lucas and herself. The light the fire and the soft glow of the stars was giving Maya a very angelic look. Riley realized she had been staring a tad bit too long when Farkle nudged her.

 

Riley didn't know how it happened, but Zay was gone, presumably he had ran off with Vanessa, and Farkle was now walking side by side with her to go get ice cream. Lucas and Maya were _alone_ , by the campfire, which seemed very romantic to Riley. She didn't like the thought at all, in fact, it left a very bitter taste in her mouth. The brunette stopped walking and turned to face Farkle, "I'll catch up with you right now, I...forgot my jacket." Farkle stared at Riley, like he was trying to figure her out, and then he nodded, it was like he knew. The genius walked away before Riley could thank him.

 

Riley wished she hadn't gone back. If she hadn't gone back she wouldn't have seen Lucas cupping Maya's cheeks as he leaned in to kiss her, she wouldn't have seen the way Maya kept her eyes closed for a couple of seconds after their lips had connected. She also wouldn't have heard the blonde uttering the most heartbreaking words;

 

_"Of course I like you, you're a good guy. If you got hurt, I don't know what I would've done."_

 

The two teens sat down next to one another, then Lucas reached out and grabbed Maya's hand, intertwining their fingers. This made Riley feel sick. 

 

She saw the guilt on Lucas' face when he saw Riley standing there, but that look disappeared as soon as he stared into Maya's eyes again. She was happy, and so was he. Riley couldn't take that away from them. She didn't know why seeing them so close was hurting her, Maya was her best friend, she should be happy for her.

 

So she pretended she was was. She held in her tears, **_bit her tongue_** , and walked away, attempting to catch up to Farkle.

 

That night, Lucas and Maya had arrived late to his house, which was were him and his friends (including Riley) were staying for the weekend. Riley hadn't slept at all since she had gotten back from ice cream with Farkle, she had been waiting in the guest room, she attempting to focus on the book she had in her hands while she waited for Maya to arrive. Finally, the door opened and Maya came in with a small smile on her face and a blush across her cheeks.

 

"Hey."

 

Maya snapped out of her dreamy daze and looked down at Riley who laying down on her stomach on her bed, "Hey, Riles-" she motioned to the book in Riley's hands, "Good book?"

 

Riley nervously laughed and nodded, before closing it and sitting up, "Actually I wanted to talk to-"

 

"Lucas kissed me."

 

The brunette hadn't expected her best friend to be so blunt about her moment with Lucas. In fact, she didn't think the first thing Maya would want to talk about would be Lucas. But she was happy, so of course, Riley placed a smile on her lips and nodded to Maya as a way to say continue talking about a boy you kissed, even though for some some reason, I feel like throwing up when I think about it. 

 

"It was nice, I guess. But..."

 

"But what?"

 

"I'm just kind of new to this whole letting myself be happy thing. I don't like knowing I care this much about someone, someone other than you."

 

Riley felt as if her heart was glowing, "W-What do you mean? Maya, it's okay to care about someone that isn't me," Riley closed her eyes for a second, before sighing and placing another fake smile on her lips, "I'm you're best friend, you're going to care about people in lots of different ways. You care about Lucas and I in very different ways."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

Meaning you'd never look at me the way you look at him.

 

"I mean...you care for him romantically. And you care for me, like a sister." Maya smiled at Riley before sitting down next to her on the bed and swinging her arm around Riley's shoulder and placing a soft kiss on her cheek, "I don't know what I'd do without you, Riles."

 

It wasn't until that moment, that very moment, that Riley genuinely smiled at her blonde best friend. Sure, she'd never get to kiss her on the lips the way Lucas had, but she still had her in her life, that was all the mattered to her at the moment. It's just a silly little infatuation with your best friend, it'd go away sooner or later. That's what she thought.

 

"Lucky for you, we'll never have to find out."

 

When Riley went downstairs the next morning, her and Lucas had bumped into each other. He had a look in his eye, as if he was guilty, but happy Maya had feelings for him. Lucas looked down at the floor, "Riley, I'm really sorry-"

 

"About what Lucas?" Riley giggled as if she was confused, "You kissed my best friend. She's happy, that's all that matters."

 

"But Riley-"

 

"Don't," The brunette went back to the guest room and continued to pack for their flight back to New York that day. Neither Lucas or Riley mentioned anything about the campfire to each other ever again.

 

 ** _2._**   The second time, Riley bit her tongue just as hard as she did last. It was now summer, they would be entering high school when it was September again, Maya didn't want to waste a single moment. The first few days of summer were spent between the girls hanging out and watching movies, going to the park so Riley could take some pictures, and getting ice cream when the heat was too much to take.

 

Their weekend in Texas had been months ago, and Riley's feelings were only getting worse. She'd felt like crying the week after summer had finally begun, and Maya had climbed into her window, claiming she was going to go on a real date with Lucas later that day at Topanga's. Riley immediately begged her mother for her to not work a shift that day as soon as Maya went down the fire escape. Topanga, of course, declined her daughter's wishes, the bakery was much more busy now that it was summer. After all, summer and winter were always the seasons when Topanga's was most crowded with customers.

 

Now here Riley was, sitting behind her mother's bakery's counter, taking orders as she hoped Maya and Lucas would change the setting of their date. Of course, the universe had stopped looking after Riley Matthews a long time ago, so at exactly 8:30 PM, her best friend walked into the bakery holding Lucas' hand. Riley wanted to throw up the second her eyes shifted to the couple. 

 

And, since the universe loved to fuck her life over, she literally threw up. She had pushed some other girl (who was in the eleventh) who worked there to the cash register and ran to the restroom, barely making it to the toilet. The brunette closed the stall door and groaned in embarrassment. Suddenly the restroom door opened, and someone knocked on her stall door.

 

"Go away! I'm fine, mom."

 

"It's me, Maya. Are you okay?" Riley's eyes widened and she leaned over  the toilet, throwing up again. She heard the stall door open and felt a soft pair of hands holding her hair back. Only Riley Matthews would forget to lock a stall door which allowed her crush to see her in such a disgusting situation.

 

The shorter girl grabbed some toilet paper and wiped Riley's mouth when she noticed she had stopped puking, before flushing the toilet for her and pulling her towards the sink. Riley stared at her best friend in awe as she washed her face with water and handed her a water bottle she had pulled out of her purse.

 

"Do you feel any better?" Riley hesitated for a moment before she took a big gulp of the water and nodded, "I'm okay." Maya smiled at her, but Riley noticed the worry in her icy blue eyes, "Really, Peaches, I'm okay. Just...go to your date with Lucas. My shift is almost over anyways."

 

The blonde nodded and and made her way towards the restroom door, reaching her hand out to open it. Riley sighed, she was glad she wouldn't have to deal with Maya and Lucas acting all couple-like since her shift ended at nine. Her thoughts were broken when she heard Maya close the door and hug Riley, "I love you, Riles."

 

Riley held in the small tears that had been forming and smiled into the blonde's hair, "I love you, too...now go enjoy your date."

 

That night, when Riley got home from her shift, she went straight into her room. Her father had taken Auggie to a birthday party and her mother was still working at her bakery until closing time, so she was alone. Riley cried the hardest she'd ever had that day.

 

She didn't understand why she felt like punching Lucas every time she caught him staring at Maya, her and him had always been close friends. She didn't understand why ever since she was in elementary, she'd stare at girls just as she did at boys. She didn't understand the crush she'd had on her kindergarten teacher's assistant, and mistaked it for admiring a girl who was in high school (even though her parents noticed she'd talk about the teacher's assistant more than what she'd learned at school).

 

But when it came to Maya, she was even more lost. She shouldn't feel this way about Maya, she was her best friend! She was the girl who had stayed with Riley no matter how innocent and optimistic she was. She was the girl who Riley wanted to go out and explore the world with. She was the girl who had _always_ made Riley's heart beat faster just thinking about her. She was the girl who had made Riley into who she was now, she was better with Maya in her life. It was just like her father had told her grandmother as he spoke of Topanga.

 

_So that's what I think love is, Mom. When I'm better because she's here._

 

She wiped her tears and buried her face into her knees as she sat down on the bay window, her back leaning against the pillows. Maya Hart would never love Riley Matthews the same way she did. She would never look at Riley the way she did Lucas. Maya Hart would never go out on dates with Riley Matthews. Maya Hart would never even _think_ about Riley Matthews romantically. And Riley knew this, she'd always known this.

 

A soft knock at the closed bay window silenced Riley's sobs for a moment. She looked up and saw the one and only Maya Hart wearing a huge smile on her face. The lights in her room were off, which gave Riley enough time to wipe her tears and plaster a big fake smile on her face before she hesitantly opened the window. 

 

Maya slipped into the dark room and smiled at her best friend, until she noticed the fake smile and the dried tear stains on her pink cheeks, she didn't have to see the puffiness in her eyes to know she had been crying. 

 

"Riley, what's-"

 

"Nothing, Maya. Just a bit stressed out about high school coming so soon, that's all."

 

"That's not it. I know you, Riley. Tell me what's wrong, you know you can tell me anything."

 

Riley hiccuped and sniffled, "I can't-I...not about this."

 

The blonde furrowed her eyebrows into confusion before her gaze had become soft and she had now wrapped her arms around Riley, "Talk to me, Riles." Riley sniffled again and began to sob, which made Maya feel like absolute shit. She hated seeing her best friend cry, but she ran her fingers through Riley's brunette locks and allowed her to let out every single tear she'd been holding in for so long.

 

Then she heard it, "Maya, I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like my heart's been ripped from my chest, and I don't know why." That wasn't a complete lie, Riley did feel like her heart had been ripped from her chest, but she knew why. She just didn't want Maya to know why, not when she was so happy. **_And so, she bit her tongue again._**

 

"It's okay, Riles. Sh, sh, it's okay. I'll stay the night if you want. Lucas is downstairs waiting to walk me home but I'll tell him I'm staying."

 

Riley thought about accepting the offer, but then realized how hard it'd be to fall asleep with Maya laying next to her, as if she didn't have enough problems falling asleep. She also didn't want to deal with having Maya talk about her date eventually, "No, it's okay," she paused to sniffle, "you should go home, and Lucas is waiting for you."

 

The blue-eyed girl hesitated for a moment, before she nodded and smiled sadly at Riley. She cleaned Riley's tears and placed a soft kiss on her cheek, "Goodnight, Riles. I love you."

 

Once again, Maya went out the window and slipped through Riley's fingers once again (metaphorically of course), and was now walking home with Lucas, hand in hand. Riley sighed, and with her eyes closed she whispered into the warm summer air, "I love you, too." The brunette didn't get that much sleep that night, not as if that was unusual.

 

 ** _3._** The third time was unexpected, and happened during their second semester of the tenth grade. Riley had tried her best to forget all the heartbreak she went through the summer before ninth grade and the heartbreak during the ninth grade. Lucas and Maya had now been dating for two years, and had gone on lots of dates.

 

Luckily for Riley, they didn't go on another date to Topanga's since that summer, and only hung out there if it was all six of them. Her and Maya had been going through rough waters in their friendship, which Farkle had of course noticed and confronted Riley one day with Isadora at his side. 

 

He knew, he knew everything. He knew how Riley felt about Maya, he knew she was bisexual, he was the first person Riley had come out to. Farkle understood her and let Riley cry on his shoulder. Isadora didn't care that Riley wasn't straight, she was the one that wiped Riley's tears and told her the words she'd been carrying with herself ever since.

 

 _"Your sexuality doesn't define you Riley. And your sexuality doesn't make you any less important than everyone else. You're human, bisexual or not."_  

 

Since then, Isadora and Farkle had always made sure Riley never felt left out around Lucas and Maya, and when she came out to Zay, he always made sure she was okay. So when the yearbook came out in the spring of their tenth grade, they all knew, with the exception of Lucas and Maya, she wasn't okay. She was beyond not okay, this was even worse than the yearbook back in the eighth grade.

 

_Most Likely to Come Out By Graduation;_

_Riley Matthews_

 

_Cutest Couple;_

_Lucas Friar & Maya Hart_

 

_Worst Smiles (in each grade);_

_Michael Jennings, Riley Matthews, Liam Montgomery, & Elena Nunez_

 

It was horrible, she was pretty much outed to her whole school, she had never felt so violated and angry before. She didn't care about having the supposed WORST SMILE in the tenth grade, although it did hurt, she only cared about her first title. No one had any right to out her, or anyone for that matter.

 

She was currently in her homeroom, which was when the yearbooks had been distributed, and she could feel all eyes on her. Riley even heard some whispers from people she had never even spoken to, and then she saw Maya sitting behind her and looking at her with wide eyes.

 

_"I can't believe I changed in front of her."_

 

_"Do you think she's gay?"_

 

_"It's probably just for attention, she's Riley Matthews after all, she loves attention."_

 

_"She's probably just desperate."_

 

_"She doesn't seem gay, maybe she's bi. Either way, I'm changing my gym locker."_

 

Riley couldn't take it. They had no right to talk about her that way, no one has the right to talk about anyone like that. She ignored all the whispers and the sound of her home room teacher finally entering the classroom (home room was going to end in less than five minutes), and stood up and walked to the front of the class. The brunette sighed before turning to face the class.

 

Farkle, Zay, and Isadora were staring up at her with supportive smiles, and they occasionally flipped off and cursed at the students near them that had been saying horrible thing about Riley. Lucas gave a knowing look to the brunette, he had always known. 

 

"Okay first of all, whoever is responsible for editing the yearbook is disgusting and has no right to out anyone, ever! You do not out someone who is in the closest! Secondly, you guys can stop whispering about how I'm going to peek at you in locker room, just because you identify as a female and/or have a vagina and boobs does not mean I like you. In fact, half of you suggesting that are people I have never even spoken to or given a second thought!"

 

Everyone stared at her with wide eyes, Riley had never been one to yell. She had always been a very calm girl who'd kept to herself, unless it involves something she strongly believes in. And she strongly believes no one in the LGBT+ community should be outed or treated this way.

 

Riley was looking anywhere but Maya, she didn't want to see the look on her face when she came out. But, like always, her eyes were drawn into those icy blue orbs and she was locked in a gaze with her as she continued speaking.

 

"I'm bisexual. And to be quite honest, I don't care what any of you think, none of your negative opinions matter to me. I don't care if you judge me for loving someone who's the same gender as me, I don't care if you call me SELFISH for not liking just one gender. I'm Riley Matthews, hate me or not, I'm still the same person I've always been."

 

The class stood silent for a minute, people looked at one another as if asking what they should do. A couple of people in the class clapped, including her friends, and smiled genuinely at Riley, this made her feel ecstatic, but others weren't as accepting, they looked at her disgusted. Riley had broken eye contact with Maya the second she said she was bisexual. She didn't want to see the how Maya reacted, and she didn't get to, the bell rang and Riley swung her bag over her shoulder and walked to first period.

 

As Riley entered her father's history class, she felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She hadn't planned on coming out to her entire class when she had woken up that morning. But the fact she had finally been able to say "I'm bisexual", without tearing up made her tear up. She was happy, and she continued to cry until her the bell had rang and every student was in their seat and her father had entered the class.

 

He had written on the board 'YEARBOOK SIGNING'. 

 

He turned to the class and began, "Today I couldn't think of a good lesson since nothing interesting is going on in my daughter's life so you can all just sign each other's yearbooks while I re-watch Stranger Things."

 

Riley gaped at her father, he had never been so chill, and he was right, nothing interesting was going on in her life. She decided to not come out to her father until later at dinner, when her mother and brother were there, too. Well, she hoped no one would tell him so that she'd have the chance to.

 

The brunette stood from her seat, without glancing at Maya, and asked her friends to sign her yearbook. Everything was fine until, five minutes into yearbook signing, Maya grabbed her hand, muttered an excuse to Mr Matthews, and dragged her into the hallway with her. She was taking her to the hole, the place where their friend group had almost fallen apart. The place where Maya stayed with Riley when no one else had faith in optimism. Because wherever Riley goes, Maya goes, but everyone has always known that.

 

Once again, just like million of times before, Riley felt warm and safe when Maya grabbed her hand. After climbing into the hole, Maya stopped and turned to face Riley, tracing her pale thumb over Riley's soft palm. At this moment, Riley hoped they wouldn't talk at all, that Maya just wanted to stand there, next to each other, tracing patterns over each other's hands with their fingers. But that was what she  _hoped_ what would've happened, it was not what actually happened of course.

 

The blonde opened her mouth to break the silence, but then closed her mouth, stopping herself. There had never been a time Riley could remember when Maya Penelope Hart was ever speechless.

 

"You're my best friend, Riles. You're my best friend and as your best friend, I hope you know I'm not okay with what happened in the yearbook," Maya was visibly becoming angrier thinking about what had happened, finally letting go of Riley's hand to sigh in frustration as she ran her fingers through her own hair, "I care about you...more than anyone, and you know that. I don't care that you're bisexual, you're still Riley Matthews."

 

Maya stopped to step closer to the brunette, reaching down to interlock their fingers. Riley let go of the breath she didn't know she had been holding, as the shorter girl locked eyes with her favorite person in the world, "You're Riley Matthews; compassionate, selfless, kind, loyal, smart, beautiful. And...you liking girls? That doesn't change how see and feel about you at all."

 

Riley couldn't see Maya, her eyes were now glossy and red, filled with tears threatening to escape, "I-" The brunette stopped herself,  _I love you,_ that would too much for Maya to handle, and Maya deserved to be happy with Lucas, "-just...thank you."

 

Without planning it, and probably without even thinking Riley closed the distance between the two, wrapping her arms around the shorter girl's shoulders and sobbing into her hair. Maya happily melted into the hug, before speaking, "Also, I have some shit to say to the yearbook editors. No one should ever be outed, ever."

 

Riley smiled to herself, tasting the saltiness of her tears, "So, you...you're okay with this?"

 

"More than okay," Maya gaze her best friend one last squeeze and then hesitantly released her from her grasp, "C'mon, let's get back to class."

 

 ** _4._** The fourth time was the most painful when she bit her tongue, it was even harder than the three times before. Riley had often described it as the feeling you get when you put all your hope into something and it ends up not happening. Like the trip to Disneyland your parents promised you, but you don't end up going. This was even more painful though. 

 

They were now two months into their senior year, Halloween was just a week away. Missy Bradford, of course, had invited all of the seniors and a couple of juniors to her annual Halloween party. Her pettiness towards Riley and her friends had died down, she had actually become a much nicer person once high school begun. In fact, she had even invited Riley to the movies during their sophomore year, which Riley declined due to the fact she had been sick that weekend. 

 

Halloween had always been the same thing for Riley, her and Maya go take Auggie trick or treating with his friends and Ava, then after they drop them off they show up at Missy's party for about two or three hours, and then Riley gets tired so they end up having a sleepover at Maya's house. It was a tradition now, no matter how simple it might have seemed to anyone else, it was always something Riley looked forward to. 

 

No no matter what else changed (like when they used to go on the first night the movie they wanted to watch came out, or how it used to be both walk to and from school together), that was the one tradition Riley believed, no,  _knew_ wouldn't ever change. They were Riley&Maya, nothing could ever come between them. Hell, they'd planned on dressing up as Jack and Sally from  _The Nightmare Before Christmas._

 

But then...Lucas happened. Riley didn't understand it, how could some boy, or anyone at all, cause all these things between her and her best friend to shift. She pretends it doesn't bother her when she sees the way Maya's eyes sparkle in delight when she notices the stupid cowboy staring at her, when she rolls her eyes at Lucas and then smiles to herself. And she pretended it didn't make her want to throw up when she saw the two holding hands. But it did. 

 

Of course, Riley Matthews wouldn't possibly ever get in the way of her best friend's happiness. And she also wouldn't ever tell Maya how she felt, ever. When Riley snapped out of her thoughts, her vision cleared and she remembered she was sitting in the bay window with Maya, who was talking about Lucas, "I've been thinking, and we both know I hate thinking, I want to have sex with Lucas."

 

Riley felt her heart stop and she turned to look at the blonde, who had a nervous smile on her lips, "You, I-are you sure? I mean, this is completely both of your choices, and I...I support whatever you want to do."

 

"I trust him, a lot, Riles. You know I only trust a handful of people--one of them being you--and...I-I love him. We've made out and we've both gone down on ea-"

 

The brunette placed her hand over her best friend's lips, her eyes were wide, "O-Okay, Maya," she laughed in a nervous manner and then continued, "Certainly don't want those images on my mind (she really didn't). So, when do you, um, when do you plan on sleeping with him?"

 

"After Missy's party, his mom won't be home that day, she's handing out candy at a hospital."

 

Riley almost snapped. She wanted nothing more than to scream and cry at Maya. She wanted to cry and scream at Maya for not remembering that this was the only tradition they had left, and now she was throwing it away for some stupid cowboy who used to be her friend. She wanted to cry because maybe after she slept with Lucas, she'd lose Maya forever. He was going to touch her in a way Riley would never be able to. He was going to be Maya's first, and she hated it.

 

But she didn't, she didn't snap. This was Maya, her best friend and the girl she'd had feelings for since the day she met her. This was the girl who was her safe place, and in what universe would Riley ever put her own feelings before Maya Penelope Hart? She gazed longingly at the blonde when she noticed that Maya was playing with her fingers. Of course, Riley always stared at Maya with a longing look on her eyes, not that she'd ever notice.

 

"Well then...you better tell me how it was after. I am your best friend after all," Riley forced out a chuckle. Maya's eyes brightened and she smiled, "You'll be the first person I'll talk to, after Lucas obviously."

 

That hurt Riley more than it should've, it had a deeper meaning to her. But she smiled at her best friend and waved sighed when she crawled out of her bay window and down the fire escape. Once Maya was out of sight, Riley closed the window, pulled the curtains shut, and buried her face into her knees. She was loosing Maya.

 

 

A week later, the night of Missy's Halloween party was, sadly, finally here. The cold and harsh October air filled Riley with such a pleasure, for fall had always been a favorite season of hers. Chatter, laughter, and the sound of footsteps walking on pavement filled the streets. Beautiful colored leaves the shades of orange, yellow, and brown blew in the wind all across New York. And the night sky was as dark as ever, very few stars visible, outshined by the glow of the moon.

 

Astronomy had always been one of Riley's favorite things to learn about, her curiosity of life outside of Earth is what dragged her in. That's why the way the night sky looked on Halloween always fascinated her. For almost all of her life, she'd always remembered how the sky always captured the dark and spooky feel of Halloween perfectly. So, as she walked (alone) to Missy's house, she ignored the pain in her chest by thinking about stars and Pluto. 

 

Since Maya had planned on arriving to the party with Lucas only, Riley took Auggie trick-or-treating for more than an hour before dropping him off at home and making her way to the stupid party. Here she was, standing at Missy's front door, dressed up as Dorothy (she never got the chance to plan out matching costumes with Maya this year), wide-eyed and nervous. She couldn't possibly handle hanging around with Maya and Lucas, knowing that as soon as they leave, they were going to do the deed. 

 

But Riley Matthews was strong, dammit, so she opened the door and walked in, the sound of music immediately filling her ears. It wasn't that whole cliché kind of loud, it was at a good volume surprisingly. Besides the music, Riley noticed Zay looking rather annoyed in the corner of the living room. She made her way towards him, kind of taken back by the couple on the couch next to him who were sucking each other's faces.

 

Zay took a sip from his soda can and shook his head, "When I do get a boyfriend or girlfriend someday, please make sure I don't suck their soul off the face of the earth."

 

Riley giggled, "Noted," she smiled before remembering why she had been dreading tonight, "Hey, have you seen Maya yet?"

 

He chuckled before looking around the room, "Well almost everyone is in the garage playing Truth or Dare, I just decided to stay in the living room with these handful of hormonal teenagers because there's guacamole here," he paused to take another drink from his soda, while Riley laughed, "Plus, someone has to make sure no one tries to break any of Missy's valuables, right?"

 

"So I take it you don't want to go with me to play Truth or Dare?"

 

"Sugar, you may be my favorite, but no," he replied, gently shoving Riley in the direction of the garage door, to which Riley scoffed, and flipped him off with a playful smile on her lips.

 

Missy's house was nice, well, from what Riley had seen from it in the past parties. Her hallway was a simple grey with pictures of her and her family hung in frames. As she made her way down the hallway and to the garage door, she passed a door with a faded, yet shiny, purple 'M' sticker, to which Riley assumed must be Missy's room. There was also another door, which was open, where a bunch of kids from school were sitting down in circle, all laughing. It was the garage.

 

Riley felt her palms sweat and her heart begin to beat faster when she noticed a certain blonde sitting on the floor, dressed as Eleven from  _Stranger Things_. She remembers when they had binge watched it the weekend it had came out back in ninth grade, having had anticipating the series premiere since the trailer had first been released. She felt warm and fuzzy, almost as if she was on cloud nine when she made eye contact with her best friend.

 

"Riley!" Maya quickly jumped up, interlocked fingers with Riley, and pulled her along, sitting her down in the middle between her and Lucas. The situation seemed a little too ironic for Riley's taste. But she smiled at the blonde and complimented her costume, trying to ignore the guilty look on Lucas' face, and the worried glances being shared between Farkle and Isadora (who were sitting on Riley's right side). 

 

Missy noticed the new addition to the room and was ecstatic, "Matthews, you're here! We're playing truth or dare, get settled in," she passed Riley her favorite soda and smiled fondly at her before sitting back down in her spot. 

 

"Okay, Hart, truth or dare?" Dave, corn chip Dave, yelled across the room. 

 

"Easy, dare."

 

Dave smirked mischievously and shoved a handful of chips into his mouth before revealing his stupid dare, "I dare you to kiss either the person to your right or left," Maya's eyes widened, glancing at Lucas who was at her left and then at Riley who was on her right, "It's an easy dare, Hart, I'm being generous and letting you decide who's throats you want to shove your tongue down."

 

Riley tensed and glared at Dave with daggers, wishing she could slap the shit out of him. Isadora had instinctively placed her hand on Riley's back, almost as if saying _Farkle and I are here, don't cry please._ But she knew Maya, Maya was straight, and was in love with Lucas Friar. So she faked a giggle, "Maya is obviously going to kiss Lucas. He's her boyfriend, Dave, her and I are best friends. Go get your porn somewhere else."

 

The boy's face went red and Maya smiled at Riley before attaching her lips to Lucas', earning whistles all around the room. Lucas hesitated, not closing his eyes once he noticed the hurt look on Riley's face, but Maya deepened the kiss, and he melted, closing his eyes and kissing back with just as much passion. Suddenly everything felt like too much, she got an image of Lucas and Maya making out as if they were about to take off their clothes and she felt as if she might be sick. 

 

But that would be too obvious,  ** _so she bit her tongue._** She held in the tears that were burning the rim of her eyes, threatening to escape. Somehow, she managed to stick around throughout the entire game of truth or dare until it was her turn, and Chai had a knowing look in her eyes.

 

"Miss Riley Matthews, what'll it be?" She questioned, winking at her from across the room, "Truth or dare?"

 

Truth was safe wasn't it? Getting dared would probably result in her having to either strip, make out with someone, or possibly doing some illegal shit. With truth, she could lie and no one would know. Well, except for, maybe, her friends, "Truth."

 

"You're no fun, Matthews," Chai joked, and Riley actually almost laughed. Almost. Chai continued, "If you had to choose between making out with...Mr Charlie Gardner, Isabelle Martin, or...Maya Hart, who would you pick?"

 

"Well...I'm-I would choose," Riley stared at Maya longingly for a second, to which both Lucas and Chai caught but didn't comment on it. The brunette sighed before turning to face Charlie and smiling, "Charlie Gardner." Maya nudged Riley's shoulder and raised an eyebrow at her, showing an excited look on her face because she believed her best friend was finally being forward towards someone she likes. Oh, how wrong she was.

 

Chai sighed, looking at Lucas, Maya, and Riley, she had always believed Riley and Maya would have become a couple by the time they were seniors, now she wasn't so sure, "You-" she stopped herself and then forced herself to smirk, "Matthews, sounds like you have a crush on Gardner. Good luck."

 

The rest of the night, Charlie stared at Riley in a way that made her slightly uncomfortable, he seemed to think Riley was interested in him so she did her best to ignore him. Which wasn't that hard, she just stayed with her friends and danced with Maya most of the night. That was until Lucas whispered something in her ear, which caused Maya's cheeks to heat up for some unknown reason. But Riley was sure she had a pretty good idea of what he said.

 

Maya stopped dancing and held Lucas' hand before giving a quick hug to Riley and whispering, "We're leaving, but I'll tell you everything tomorrow, Riles." And just like that, the blonde was gone, on her way to Lucas' house to sleep with him. 

 

About ten minutes after Maya left, Riley had enough and said goodbye to her friends before leaving Missy's house, tears dripping down her face as she walked along the New York pavement. It was only a quarter after eleven, trick-or-treaters were still walking among the streets. Some children stared at Riley, who was sobbing the whole way home. She didn't know how long she could keep up this act of not caring, of pretending she didn't want to cry everytime she remembered Maya Hart was a straight girl who didn't feel that way about Riley.

 

The brunette was so tired, she didn't even bother taking off her costume when she made it home. She simply slipped off her flats, went under her covers, and laid there. She couldn't sleep, all she did for awhile was stare at the ceiling, which she had decorated with stars that glew in the dark when she was nine, with Maya's help. When she finally felt herself drifting off to sleep, she heard her phone chime.

 

_Maya <3_

_Eighteen year old virgin is no longer!!! I really love him, Riles._

 

What a shitty Halloween it was for Miss Riley Matthews. Little did she know, senior year was going to be the most heartbreaking year of her young life, and she didn't know that this Christmas would ruin her view on the special holiday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. close the window, riles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> riley doesn't bite her tongue. shit.

 

>  
> 
>  
> 
> _the one time riley didn't bite her tongue_

 

 

 _ **1.**_   Riley really does regret leaving her bay window unlocked. It was Christmas morning, snow was falling, hot cocoa was being drunk, and presents were being ripped open. This was Riley's favorite day of the year; it was the only day she looked forward to nowadays. There hasn't been a year when she hadn't done Secret Santa with her friends.

That was until this year.

After the events of Halloween, Riley did her best to distance herself from Maya, which eventually caused the whole group's falling out. Without Riley and Maya, the universe just seemed to fall apart, and so did their group. Of course, it pained the brunette incredibly so, but it pained her even more hearing how amazing Lucas was at sex, and how in love Maya was with Lucas.

No matter how much it hurt to face the truth, Riley knew, she had always known, it'd always be Lucas. From the day the blonde met the cowboy, it was destined for them to eventually fall into each other.

_Fuck the universe._

  
In the excitement of Christmas, Riley had gone to bed last night before she could even think about locking her bay window, sleep taking over her long figure. She'd later scold herself for leaving it unlocked as tears streamed down her face and sobbed into her knees.

As soon as she woke up, she had rushed down stairs for the breakfast feast her parents had every Christmas morning and to open her batch of presents. This year, her parents had gotten her a camera, after her father had lost her old one on the Cyclone earlier that summer. As well as a journal; they'd noticed Riley hadn't been speaking much to anyone lately and wanted her to find another way to express how she was feeling.

When she had finished thanking her parents, she went upstairs back to her bedroom, which was where she found a certain blonde sitting on her bay window with a very nervous look on her face and her legs crossed.

The brunette's eyes widened, her eyes glossing when she realized who it was, "I-Maya? What-what are you doing here?"

"What did I do?"

"What do you mean?"

By now Maya had untangled her legs and was sitting normally so that her feet touched the hardwood floor beneath her, "After Halloween you went totally AWAL; we don't do that, that's not us. I deserve to know why my best friend just-just stopped talking to me."

Riley shifted between her right and left foot, "I talk to you."

 _Lies. Lies. Lies._ It was bullshit and they both knew it. Well, Maya didn't know exactly the whole truth.

Slightly frustrated, Maya narrowed her eyes and stood up as she exclaimed, "Oh please! Smiling at each other down the hall is not talking—neither is answering my texts only when I ask about assignments," she added when she noticed the brunette was about to interrupt.

She stared up at the taller girl hard, but her gaze softened when she noticed the longing and sad look in Riley's eyes, "Riles, I just-I want an explanation. Today-look it's Christmas and believe it or not, I was looking forward to Sexret Santa, no matter how stupid it is," Riley chuckled sadly at this.

"I'm sorry."

"Not good enough."

The brown eyed girl scoffed, her eyes threatening to allow tears to escape, "What do you want me to say, Maya?! That I'm an asshole? That I'm a horrible friend? Because I know this already!"

"I just want the fucking truth! Tell me the truth and if I don't like it, I'll leave," Maya yelled.

Silent tears streamed down Riley's face, "Maya, just let it go, pl-"

"Don't you dare tell me to 'let it go'!" Maya cut the girl off, "I miss my best friend, I'm allowed to be upset."

"Maya-"

The blonde was now standing close enough that if Riley took two steps forward, their foreheads would lean against each other, "Tell me the truth! Please, Riles, just t-"

"I love you."

Those three words left Riley's mouth so naturally, she'd accepted her feelings a long time ago, but telling Maya felt so hard. She'd known since That Weekend in Texas, but sometimes Riley thinks she'd known before that.

Maya's eyebrows furrowed, her gaze softened for the second time that morning "I know you do, I love you, too. But that has nothing to do-"

Riley sighed before letting out a dry laugh, fresh tears wetting her warm cheeks, "You don't get it. Of course you don't."

"What don't I get, Riles?"

  
Hesitantly, Riley stepped closer to the blonde in front of her. Maybe it was the way her eyes glistened in the morning light, or maybe a whole life's worth of holding in her feelings, but Riley leaned forward; she placed one hand on Maya's cheek and closed the gap between the two.

Soft; that's all Riley could describe her lips as. They were soft and tasted of mango and peach, two fruits she'd never be able to stand being near after this. For a second, Maya kissed back, opening her mouth slightly as Riley sighed into the kiss.

It seemed as if she came to her her senses, the kiss had lasted less than five seconds before Maya shoved the brunette off of her, "What the hell are you doing?!"

The taller girl had been shoved to the floor and winced at the scolding she had just received from the girl she'd been in love with since she was a kid, "I-I love you, please don't hate m-"

"I don't love you like that Riley!"

Riley couldn't see, everything was blurred by her tears, "Maya, please-"

Maya's hard look faded after hearing the crack in Riley's voice as she begged, "I'm sorry, Riles. I love Lucas, it...it's always been Lucas," Riley's heart broke, "I love you, I do. Just-just not like that."

Sniffling as she stood up, Riley wiped her tears and dusted herself off, "I get it. It's always going to be Lucas."

Maya reached out to leave a comforting hand on her shoulder but decided better not to, "Riles, maybe this'll go away soo-"

Riley laughed through her tears, "Believe me I said the same thing in the eighth grade."

Maya felt her heart break, "Riley I didn't k-"

"Please just go."

"Riles"

The brunette sobbed and closed her eyes in frustration, "Leave! Please, please just go."

Riley opened her eyes to gaze at the blonde before moving to sit down on the edge of her bed, her face covered by her hands as she cried.

It hurt Maya seeing her best friend like this, so she listened to her.

She bit her lip to hold in the tears attempting to escape, she walked towards the bay window, opened the window, and crawled onto the sitting area her and Riley had spent so many years talking.

Before she left, Maya gazed at her ray of sunshine one last time, who was sobbing into her hands, then proceeded to close the window.

Christmas was never the same for Riley after that, for Maya too. The brunette never got over her best friend, hell, does anyone ever get over a love so intense and tragic?

_Why didn't I close the window?_

Maya married Lucas at twenty-five, to which Riley found out after she reconnected with Farkle two weeks before the wedding. She was happy for her, she finally getting the life she deserved. They were parallel lines, always close, but never met again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp, this was sad. highkey didn't want to post this because even i didn't like the ending, but it's angst! also i haven't edited this yet, it's been sitting in my notes for over a month, so please tell me if you see any errors.

**Author's Note:**

> i love angst, i'm such a monster


End file.
